May 25
Oh Please--just lemme ramble


So ok...do you remember Miss Texas ? Not the "official" Miss Texas, the big haired blonde from school that has 4 kids. Four kids that she is always more than willing to pawn off on anyone who's dumb enough to look her way. Trust me I know.

Well, about a month ago a rumor at the school was running rampant that she was pregnant. Sooooo....I called her and just asked her straight out.

I mean if rumors are going around then let's just get to the bottom of it, it's no fun when you talk shit on people and it ends up being not true. Unless of course you're Star magazine, then it's all good. That and if there are rumors about me then someone should grow some balls and quit shit talking and just ask if whatever it is happens to be true or not.

She told me that she didn't know for sure and didn't care to find out because, and I quote " I don't really want to be because I have the kids all the time, and my husband won't babysit them for any period of time." Dude it's not babysitting if it's your own kid but whatever.

She says that she won't take a home pregnancy test because she is breastfeeding and it will make an HPT come up positive, according to her doctor, who is obviously on crack because that is not true. So she's just pretty much not sure if she's pregnant or not. Because we all know that if you don't see a plus sign then it isn't a reality ! Duh !

Oh damn I forgot to tell you that she filed and paid for a divorce from this guy only 4 months ago, then dropped it. She said she wanted to prove her point to him that she was serious. Right.

So serious that she is willing to have sex with no protection and risk getting pregnant with a baby she doesn't want because God forbid she have to take care of it . Argh.

Now that I have rambled in a complete circle and made no sense, yes she is pregnant....sorry I'm tired and my storytelling skills are out.

Why am I tired you ask ? I'll tell ya !

Wednesday at around noon I decided to paint the kitchen, paint and add crown molding and cabinet molding, and paint all of that too. Can I just say right now that has kicked my ass for 2 and a half days .

Hubs "helped" yesterday, which means ? It means he bitched and moaned about it all. He cursed the saw because it is the reason he can't cut a straight line. He hollered about the crown molding because it was bowed and wouldn't go on straight.

We went from old crusty white cabinets, a plain bullnose ( the little wall above your cabinets) and a weird tan like color on the walls toooooooo....chocolate brown walls, beautimous antique white molding, cabinets and trim. Oh ! And ! I bought these cool plaque things like a year and a half ago, two yellow, two green, and these mirror thingys...red. They have been in the basement storage for that long and finally I used them ! We were gonna do the whole replace it all thing, but considering all the trim that we used for trim and molding was left here by the previous owners and the paint I wanted was in the markdown bin for 5 bucks at Lowe's...we did this instead ! (Don't mind the celing fan in the pics it's going to the ceiling fan graveyard next week).


















Now...see that lamp in the corner in pic 3 ? I bought two of them. I was browsing at Lowe's and came across those, originally 74.78 marked down to.........3.60...I swear to Hades !

Oh and I don't have a pic yet, but I got an oak floor lamp with a small reading lamp and brushed nickle lamp surround originally 88.00 for 3.75 ! I'm gonna just say ..Dale my new BFF at Lowe's in the lighting department, is like....totally...awesome. Because the oak lamp was supposed to be a whole 4.80, and since it was a floor modle and the last one he wasn't supposed to sell it but he did and gave me another dollar off. Thanks Dale... !

The dining room has the red sheer and the lamp...that sheer and ugly curtain rod, and the nasty shades will be headed to heaven along with the ceiling fan next week.

I wish I had some "before pics"...and I'm sure I do somewhere, but somewhere is not right here in front of me right now, and I'm lazy.

I know that tomorrow I'm going to read this and compare it to a drunk blog, but I'm not drunk, just very tired, because I had to like take care of my kids. Who knew that having them meant you had to do that whole care and provide for them thing too !?!?

May 22
PenPals


Today was the day that Jam got to finally meet her penpal. They'd been writing each other, the " old fashioned way"...that's a direct quote from Jam that means with a frigging pen and paper.

She didn't understand why she would have a penpal that lives only 30 minutes away, and how or why they'd live such different lives.

Heh. Well.

Now I know this may be hard to believe but we have inner city schools here in Omaha. No seriously. Yes, really.

Which happens to be where Jams penpal attends school. *Sigh*

She hops into the truck after school, she says nothing and gives me the "oh hi" smile.

"Soooooooo ? How was it today ? You met her ..and ?"

"And what Mom ?...They are all, like, gangsters or pimps or something. All of them Mom !"

"Whaaaaat ? Gangsters ? Pimps ? You're in 4th grade, that's not possible Jam."

"Mom I know what grade I'm in thank you , and the first thing the boys from that school did was walk up to me and Dora and say : yeah baby you hot, you know you wanna hit this."

*Stop. The. Bus. Bitches.*

What ? Excuuuuuse me ? Aw hell no. Hell no. Oh yeah I want to hit it, and knock that boys teeth down his throat.

Talkin' like that to my baby girl ? No. Uh-uh, now Ima fuck a bitch up.

"Oh really, what was his name ?" What was his last name ?"

"Mom I don't know." *Rolls eyes*

"Ok what is the name of the school ?"

Back. Up. Wait. A. Damn. Minute.

"Jam ? My sweet, intelligent, above average, Yale bound, baby girl ....how do you know what a pimp is ?"



Nevermind, go to your room and think of a plan to make yourself unappealing and unattractive until you are 37.

May 21
A Few Things I've decided.


Yesterday afternoon was spent having a heated discussion about landscaping.

I know it sounds dumb to say it was heated, but if you had heard the dumb shit my husband was suggesting you would of gotten pissed too. I do not understand him. He likes things low-key and simple. But yet, suggests the tackiest gawd awful shit for our yard.

We want something nice and eye catching for our lawn. We live on a big corner lot, and our house is the only one that faces west when all the other face north or south.

After much discussion we decided to head to Lowe's and look around and see how much it will be for some of the ideas we'd tossed around. Instead of turning left to go to Lowe's though, hubs turned right. Meaning that we were entering one of the "elite" neighborhoods. Ya know the ones that have some mansions, some castles, and then for some reason a few houses no bigger than ours but cost 9 times more because they have Rapunzels house next door.

That is where one of the things I decided came into play. Screw landscaping.

I want a new house.

Like a new big fabulous house. One that I picked the tile, the carpet, the wall color, the kitchen sink, the direction the staircase flows.

A house that is "us" from the embryonic stage, a house that says " hey bitches..Jess lives here and made me what I am, revel in my beauty and fabulousness !"

Yeah I know hubs, and the kids will live there too, but I'm the boss of things, so the house will have me to thank.

Now, the next step or the first step in the process of building my very own fairy tale house. Paying for it.

Did you know that a person can get between 5 and 15 grand for donating eggs ? Not chicken eggs, like the ovary kind.



Soo.....I should have at least 200 eggs that are good, 200 times let's say 10, well we could say 15 grand because my kids are beautiful. Ok 200 times 15 grand is.....3 million. 45% for taxes, right ? Just to be safe.

I mean I wonder if you have to pay taxes on that ? I would guess you do...that'd be a weird W-2 to fill out though. Ok, 200 times 15 grand equals 3 million minus 45% is 1,350,000. I'd put a million in the bank for my kids when they turn 21.

With the 350k I could build the house I want. I could do it for less, but I want good land too, oh and I'll need a big lawn mower....naw I want a hot gardner.

Oh pfftt...don't look at me like that. Next I was gonna say a hot maid for hubs to look at once a month.

Haha not that I've thought about any of that, I was just asking if you knew.

Ah, I forgot too that the other thing I'd buy would be a new Tahoe. I'm not normally a Chevy fan, but the new Tahoe's are beautimous !

I have also decided that since none of the above statements will ever really happen that someone will just have to give me a house.

Alrighty, while I eagerly await the email saying I've just received my house, I'm gonna go water my lawn.

May 19
So uhm....
Normally I glance at my stats page, and see the usual crazy shit. "Granny fucking"...like I know I never wrote that but--whatever it seems like a common thing to get searched for. I giggle a bit and move on.

But today?

People. Have. Fucking. Issues.

Search Phrases in the past 48 hours :

"I sucked ants out of my pussy." Look, if you have to google that shit you are a fucking idiot. Get off your ant infested ass and go to the doctor for gawd sakes ! Wait....I have a question though...how did you suck them out ?

"Mom who like to ass fuck Omaha"...I dunno how that got you here, but lemme tell ya, keep on trucking because none of that shit is happening.

"Hot Moms in Nebraska " Oh wait that ones right. Thanks for stopping by...see ya next time. Mwuah.

"Little girls in bikinis"...I SWEAR to GOD if I find out who you are and where you are, I will find you and stick your dick in that bitch whose pussy has an ant hill in it.

Ok now I feel naughty, I said the "p" word like 3 times in this entry.

Need to go wash my mouth out with soap. K, bye.

May 15
Okey Dokey


Ahhh....it has been a long weekend I tell ya.

Saturday............... Krissy came over and her and I went to get a mani/pedi...me for Mothers Day, and she got it so she'd have cute toes for surgery Monday morning !

On our way home we stopped at the DQ to get a couple of MooLattes, since chocolate and anything else more than a medicine cup of liquids will be out of her diet for the next 6 months.



Sitting in line waiting for our frozen treats her car started to overheat. We got our stuff and left to come back to the house, the car was overheating at a rapid pace.

(Just a little FYI if your car ever overheats and you have to drive it to a safe place...turn your heat on and turn it to " recirculate"...it helps pull the heat away from the engine, yes it really works.)

Well Krissy gets the bright idea that we should pull off into a parking lot to " check things under the hood" of her car. Like. Why ? I mean if we did see something what the hell were we gonna do about it ? Not only that we were only 4 blocks from my house. right, so anyway, we pull off into an empty lot and pop the hood. Krissy does her best " I'm a chick that's fixin' on a car with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth pose"...and I snap a pic. Which does nothing to fix the car but sends us into a fit of laughter.






I tell her to watch the coolant container and I'll shake the car to see if we can tell how much if any coolant is in there.

Here I am grabbing and shaking the car back and forth vigorously as Krissy has her face next to the coolant....then I said " I hope no one sees us and thinks that we think we are fixing the car by doing this."

The hood is up and more than anything we are laughing and joking about pretty much everything by now. She says " Jess what the hell is wrong with my car... ?" And I'm like " I dunno ! "





We decided to head to Mel's house because I knew her hubs had some car fixin' on shit. He filled the coolant back up and she made it home. Sunday Krissy's dad got her car fixed, it was the radiator fan.



Sunday.......started off not so hot. I woke up at 4 with a screaming headache. But it had only been 2 hours since I'd went to bed, so I got up to take something for my head and Jam yells at me from her bathroom. She is throwing up all over the damn place. Then starts to cry because it's Mothers Day and here I am cleaning vomit on Mothers Day. the girl cried forever, I got her calm and into the shower to clean up.

Jay of course was up trying to find out what was going on at such an unGodly hour and decided he'd better go outside. After letting him in I walk through the family room...and get rained on. Like...pouring, heavy rain. In. The. Family. Room.

Long story short, the shower curtain was not in the shower and the water ran behind the loose trim .

We went to Lowe's and got mulch, flowers, and more tomato plants and for the rest of the day we worked outside.

It was a good relaxing and productive Mothers Day, and my headache and Jams tummy both got better throughout the day.



Monday...............

I got up at 4 again....Didda's allergies were making her cough so I got up with her and she dozed back off within 20 minutes. I thought about going back to bed, but I knew if I did I'd never be able to wake up and get myself ready and the girls ready in time for school.

I dropped the girls off at school and drove to Krissy's to meet everyone so that we could all follow each other to the hospital.

At 12:07 p.m. yesterday my best friend was in surgery. She had a gastric bypass. She has wanted this for so long, and needed it for so long too.

With this surgery, the weight loss for vanity's sake is a bonus.

The weight loss for her well being and survival is essential.

At 29 years old she is on blood pressure medication, cholesteral meds, diabetes meds, and thyroid meds.

I hope that later, much later in our years that I can look back and say " that day was the first day of the rest of her long happy life."