It's been much more of the same. Friday he followed me to work. On the interstate honking the horn and yelling. I thought he was gone by the time I was at the gas station but as I started to get my coffee I felt him before I looked up to see him standing next to me. He started screaming at me getting the attention of everyone in the gas station. He flat out said I could keep calling the police, it'd make no difference to him because sooner or later he will get me. When a bystander asked him what the fuck he was doing "crazy" replied it was none of his fucking business. Needless to say crazy ran out of there after that because it was more than obvious that "bystander" was going to kill him. He took off and 20 NON speedy minutes later the cops came. Thirty minutes after I called 911 on the interstate and called the twice to update my whereabouts. I'm considering telling 911 I need fire and rescue next time instead of police because I KNOW they don't take their sweet ass time.

Luckily for me Mr. Bystander stayed and gave the police the story as well. He did get a bit off track and start yelling at the police about how I'm gonna be on the show 48 hours dead because this guy has stalked me for months and nobody did shit about it. Sadly...the police didn't disagree much. So that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Friday night and Saturday he called repeatedly from a blocked number, and I've had a few run ins with him since, he screams at me at stoplights...swerves at me in traffic, waits in plain sight outside the store or drives by a dozen times as I wait to pick my kids up from school.

A couple of people have mentioned it's entirely possible that my phone is bugged, and after doing some research and finding out that someone can do this simply by paying a few bucks and entering your phone number on 1 of a hundred websites that offer this..... it's starting to make sense. My next big purchase is a new phone and phone number switch. Again.

Trying to explain to someone who doesn't know the story or hasn't been through something like this is beyond difficult. I get so many "well why can't you......" fill in the blanks with everything you're thinking. I DO everything I can. I document. I call the police. I file reports. I call and talk to the ADA numerous times a week. I've left messages for her begging to put the warrants through and NOT take his plea deal. It makes me sick that I'm the victim here and the burden of proof is on me yet he has to do NOTHING to disprove his actions.

I can't express how insanely tired I am. This isn't a hard days work or I didn't sleep well last night kind of tired. This is the tired I didn't know existed until now.

Everyday it's something with him. Everyday instead of being completely focused on my kids, my job, my own life, his bullshit distracts me. I can't focus. I can't sleep because I lay awake at night sad and pissed about not focusing on what I should. I lay awake at night in fear sometimes too. Not only fear of him and what he's truly capable of but also fear that if he doesn't stop this my ex husband was 100 % right in saying the kids should just stay with him until this is all resolved. I fear that most of all. I'm crying as I say that because my babies...the only real true loves of my life. My stupidity in getting involved with this psycho could cost me them.

I do a lot of things in fear. I can't wait for the day I don't. I can't wait to not have tears waiting to brim my eyes if someone looks at me wrong. I can't wait for the day I don't jump out of my skin every time I hear a noise louder than a pin drop.

At one point I thought I was getting there....I had someone beside me and I felt like I wasn't alone, there for me and my kids but like I said before that went to hell in a handbasket so here I sit. I'm in NO way saying my friends and family aren't caring, supportive and insanely worried...but I am saying it's not the same.

I know that not much of this makes sense. These feelings are all just coming out whenever, and however. To the people I love that are reading this: please PLEASE know I love you and I know I've been a wreck lately. Being mean when it's unnecessary, crying when there's no reason to..all that. I'm sorry and thank you for still loving me.

J

Well...here we are again. Almost every day I think to myself for some reason that I miss this blog thing. I missed being able to say what I needed and wanted. It's been a pretty rough few months and when I needed someone to talk to I'd spurt random parts of what's going on to people....but really never went into every single thing like I would if I were telling the blog.

I'll try to fill you all in as best as I can because really...some shit slips my mind some days, and other weeks and months all sort of blend together.

The first week of July the guy I'd been with for a bit over a year went to jail for assualt. We had a pretty big fight and it turned bad. Since that day I've not spoken to him. That makes no difference to him though. I have a protection order against him for myself and my kids. He just keeps going. He's always wherever I am. In parking lots...at gas stations...on the interstate...really he's everywhere. He's approached me multiple times. His reactions vary sometimes he's sobbing, sometimes he's screaming at me. But sometimes he screams in tongues and punches himself in the head. He's egged (yes eggs) my sisters car at my house...he put dog crap all over a guys car that was parked here....he drove TO my work and egged my car. We have that on video. He walked into the sales dept at my job and asked to use a phone to call HIMSELF so he could tell his attorney I tried to call him from work. Too bad for him our tech dept keeps all phone records, then we have that surveillance thing and 6 witnesses. He leaves flowers on my driveway...sends me flowers and cards at work. Calls me at work telling me I'm a stupid bitch and I'll pay for this. Hundreds and HUNDREDS of text messages...voicemails...blocked calls at 2 am...God...I could go on and on but if you don't get the picture by now you're just not gonna.

Yesterday I pulled out of the garage to find roses (just the heads of them) on my sidewalk along with a pot of mums. I swiftly placed them in the garbage can at the end of the drive because luckily it was trash day.
After school the trash still hadn't been picked up and my daughter was here when I left for the store. She watched as I pulled out and he came up behind me yelling and laughing. I left like nothing was happening. A few minutes later my daughter called me yelling that he'd picked up the ENTIRE trash can full of trash with the flowers atop and he TOOK it.
The crazy son of a bitch stole my trash can. Like..who does that !?! Oh right...a psycho does.

Calling in that police report was interesting because if you don't explain the whole situation and you tell the operator that some crazy just took your trash can full of trash it sounds retarded. Well, it is retarded any way you look at it honestly.
The only good thing was he unknowingly committed 2 crimes. He stole my property, and he violated his protection order because my kid was standing right there in the door as he came on my property.

This is the 7th violation of protection, but if you ask his attorney it's only because I still love him and I can't bring myself to admit it, so he's just trying to help.

We go back to court soon and he was supposed to get probation with quite a few additional requirements. One of which is a full psych evalaution by the county. As in...he has to be admitted for this. Can't wait for that day because they won't let his crazy ass out after they evaluate him.

What I find extremely amusing is the DA and police...they say "don't let him run your life, go on about your life as usual." Right. Go on as usual .....come out of Target, Walmart, the grocery store, your best friends house, a restaraunt.....and there he is but act normal cause he won't approach you and start yelling he's gonna put a bullet in his head next time he sees you so you have to live with that guilt. But be cool cause he can't run your life.

Now I'm gonna admit that when he said that....I did sorta beg him to just do it so I could load my groceries. I've also accidentally hit the gas in the car as he sauntered slowly in front of me taunting me....

I have nightmares that he climbs on my roof and is standing at the end of my bed. I have them a lot. I can feel when he's outside waiting for me to leave for work, or when I'm walking to my car out of a store. I know he's there. Every time. This guy that owns his business and used to work dawn til dusk and beyond has turned the reigns over to someone else and made me his full time job. The cops can't do shit because everywhere I go is a public place and he can shop or drive wherever he'd like. It's all just strange coincidence that he's where I am at the same time as I am. Every day.

So...that's the shortest run down I can come up with there.

Besides that. I've been working at uhmm my place of work since August. I was extremely lucky to find this job...and I like to think they were lucky to find me too :) but I am a bit delusional these days so they probably think differently. The people I work with for the most part are great and the pay is too.

Had my heart broken my another since that July thing and it was so hard because I knew him...but once again my own stupidity got me into that. Too bad my own stupidity can't make me feel better. Ah well....it will soon cause I kinda dig living in bliss and ignorance. That's essentially all I'm going to say about that situation right now because it makes me cry to talk about, think about, wonder about.