Wednesday, October 27, 2010

It's been much more of the same. Friday he followed me to work. On the interstate honking the horn and yelling. I thought he was gone by the time I was at the gas station but as I started to get my coffee I felt him before I looked up to see him standing next to me. He started screaming at me getting the attention of everyone in the gas station. He flat out said I could keep calling the police, it'd make no difference to him because sooner or later he will get me. When a bystander asked him what the fuck he was doing "crazy" replied it was none of his fucking business. Needless to say crazy ran out of there after that because it was more than obvious that "bystander" was going to kill him. He took off and 20 NON speedy minutes later the cops came. Thirty minutes after I called 911 on the interstate and called the twice to update my whereabouts. I'm considering telling 911 I need fire and rescue next time instead of police because I KNOW they don't take their sweet ass time.

Luckily for me Mr. Bystander stayed and gave the police the story as well. He did get a bit off track and start yelling at the police about how I'm gonna be on the show 48 hours dead because this guy has stalked me for months and nobody did shit about it. Sadly...the police didn't disagree much. So that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Friday night and Saturday he called repeatedly from a blocked number, and I've had a few run ins with him since, he screams at me at stoplights...swerves at me in traffic, waits in plain sight outside the store or drives by a dozen times as I wait to pick my kids up from school.

A couple of people have mentioned it's entirely possible that my phone is bugged, and after doing some research and finding out that someone can do this simply by paying a few bucks and entering your phone number on 1 of a hundred websites that offer this..... it's starting to make sense. My next big purchase is a new phone and phone number switch. Again.

Trying to explain to someone who doesn't know the story or hasn't been through something like this is beyond difficult. I get so many "well why can't you......" fill in the blanks with everything you're thinking. I DO everything I can. I document. I call the police. I file reports. I call and talk to the ADA numerous times a week. I've left messages for her begging to put the warrants through and NOT take his plea deal. It makes me sick that I'm the victim here and the burden of proof is on me yet he has to do NOTHING to disprove his actions.

I can't express how insanely tired I am. This isn't a hard days work or I didn't sleep well last night kind of tired. This is the tired I didn't know existed until now.

Everyday it's something with him. Everyday instead of being completely focused on my kids, my job, my own life, his bullshit distracts me. I can't focus. I can't sleep because I lay awake at night sad and pissed about not focusing on what I should. I lay awake at night in fear sometimes too. Not only fear of him and what he's truly capable of but also fear that if he doesn't stop this my ex husband was 100 % right in saying the kids should just stay with him until this is all resolved. I fear that most of all. I'm crying as I say that because my babies...the only real true loves of my life. My stupidity in getting involved with this psycho could cost me them.

I do a lot of things in fear. I can't wait for the day I don't. I can't wait to not have tears waiting to brim my eyes if someone looks at me wrong. I can't wait for the day I don't jump out of my skin every time I hear a noise louder than a pin drop.

At one point I thought I was getting there....I had someone beside me and I felt like I wasn't alone, there for me and my kids but like I said before that went to hell in a handbasket so here I sit. I'm in NO way saying my friends and family aren't caring, supportive and insanely worried...but I am saying it's not the same.

I know that not much of this makes sense. These feelings are all just coming out whenever, and however. To the people I love that are reading this: please PLEASE know I love you and I know I've been a wreck lately. Being mean when it's unnecessary, crying when there's no reason to..all that. I'm sorry and thank you for still loving me.


Tuesday, October 19, 2010 we are again. Almost every day I think to myself for some reason that I miss this blog thing. I missed being able to say what I needed and wanted. It's been a pretty rough few months and when I needed someone to talk to I'd spurt random parts of what's going on to people....but really never went into every single thing like I would if I were telling the blog.

I'll try to fill you all in as best as I can because really...some shit slips my mind some days, and other weeks and months all sort of blend together.

The first week of July the guy I'd been with for a bit over a year went to jail for assualt. We had a pretty big fight and it turned bad. Since that day I've not spoken to him. That makes no difference to him though. I have a protection order against him for myself and my kids. He just keeps going. He's always wherever I am. In parking gas stations...on the interstate...really he's everywhere. He's approached me multiple times. His reactions vary sometimes he's sobbing, sometimes he's screaming at me. But sometimes he screams in tongues and punches himself in the head. He's egged (yes eggs) my sisters car at my house...he put dog crap all over a guys car that was parked here....he drove TO my work and egged my car. We have that on video. He walked into the sales dept at my job and asked to use a phone to call HIMSELF so he could tell his attorney I tried to call him from work. Too bad for him our tech dept keeps all phone records, then we have that surveillance thing and 6 witnesses. He leaves flowers on my driveway...sends me flowers and cards at work. Calls me at work telling me I'm a stupid bitch and I'll pay for this. Hundreds and HUNDREDS of text messages...voicemails...blocked calls at 2 am...God...I could go on and on but if you don't get the picture by now you're just not gonna.

Yesterday I pulled out of the garage to find roses (just the heads of them) on my sidewalk along with a pot of mums. I swiftly placed them in the garbage can at the end of the drive because luckily it was trash day.
After school the trash still hadn't been picked up and my daughter was here when I left for the store. She watched as I pulled out and he came up behind me yelling and laughing. I left like nothing was happening. A few minutes later my daughter called me yelling that he'd picked up the ENTIRE trash can full of trash with the flowers atop and he TOOK it.
The crazy son of a bitch stole my trash can. Like..who does that !?! Oh right...a psycho does.

Calling in that police report was interesting because if you don't explain the whole situation and you tell the operator that some crazy just took your trash can full of trash it sounds retarded. Well, it is retarded any way you look at it honestly.
The only good thing was he unknowingly committed 2 crimes. He stole my property, and he violated his protection order because my kid was standing right there in the door as he came on my property.

This is the 7th violation of protection, but if you ask his attorney it's only because I still love him and I can't bring myself to admit it, so he's just trying to help.

We go back to court soon and he was supposed to get probation with quite a few additional requirements. One of which is a full psych evalaution by the county. As in...he has to be admitted for this. Can't wait for that day because they won't let his crazy ass out after they evaluate him.

What I find extremely amusing is the DA and police...they say "don't let him run your life, go on about your life as usual." Right. Go on as usual .....come out of Target, Walmart, the grocery store, your best friends house, a restaraunt.....and there he is but act normal cause he won't approach you and start yelling he's gonna put a bullet in his head next time he sees you so you have to live with that guilt. But be cool cause he can't run your life.

Now I'm gonna admit that when he said that....I did sorta beg him to just do it so I could load my groceries. I've also accidentally hit the gas in the car as he sauntered slowly in front of me taunting me....

I have nightmares that he climbs on my roof and is standing at the end of my bed. I have them a lot. I can feel when he's outside waiting for me to leave for work, or when I'm walking to my car out of a store. I know he's there. Every time. This guy that owns his business and used to work dawn til dusk and beyond has turned the reigns over to someone else and made me his full time job. The cops can't do shit because everywhere I go is a public place and he can shop or drive wherever he'd like. It's all just strange coincidence that he's where I am at the same time as I am. Every day.

So...that's the shortest run down I can come up with there.

Besides that. I've been working at uhmm my place of work since August. I was extremely lucky to find this job...and I like to think they were lucky to find me too :) but I am a bit delusional these days so they probably think differently. The people I work with for the most part are great and the pay is too.

Had my heart broken my another since that July thing and it was so hard because I knew him...but once again my own stupidity got me into that. Too bad my own stupidity can't make me feel better. Ah will soon cause I kinda dig living in bliss and ignorance. That's essentially all I'm going to say about that situation right now because it makes me cry to talk about, think about, wonder about.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

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Sunday, December 23, 2007

December 23
Ah to be a kid again
It would be grand. Christmas would still have magic and suspense.

Hearing the Nativity Story would be anticipated instead of wondering what time we could be done by. You'd ask all kinds of questions, now though you dread having to explain why Mary and Joseph named him Jesus and not Jim or Square.....

Making cookies for Santa is about nothing but fun and making a mess rather than trying to clean as you go to lighten the cleaning load for afterwards.

Presents were meant to be squished and shook and felt with our eyes closed to try and envision what lies within, now though the squishing and shaking and feeling up of the gifts gives me a heart attack and makes me want to scream about possibly ripping the paper and me having to wrap them again.

As a child you never looked under the tree and though " damn what if I don't like anything that's there ?" As a parent I worry that even though they said they wanted it, that they have changed their minds and now think they are beyond that.

The past few days have been stressful because of those few things I just mentioned. I suppose it's my own selfishness that has taken over, what a shitty time to be selfish I know. I just miss that "magic and elation" that used to accompany these days preceding.

After much self reflection though, it is back. I look at my girls and wonder why in the hell it ever left me. They are my miracles and they are my love and magic and elation.

I got lost but now I am back on track. I don't give a shit if I have to wrap all the gifts 10 times, it was worth it to see Mimi get stuck under the tree getting to them. We can make cookies a dozen more times, the flour on their faces and sprinkles stuck to the end of their noses shows that it meant more to them than just making a mess. I will explain over and over to Didda that even if "Jim" and "Square" are fine names, his name is Jesus, and no she cannot call him Jim.

I hope that all of you are filled with your own magic and are able experience your own miracles this Christmas .......

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

December 18
And the beat goes on and on....
Can you seriously believe that there are only 7 damn days until Christmas ?!?! Oy ! Wait...that was a Jewish term and Hanukah is...nevermind.... you know what I mean.

The weather has been less than pleasant around these parts...I know I have stated this a million times but I HATE winter, what I hate more is the viruses that run rampant through our house during this time. But when it's too cold to go anywhere there is not much to do but share germs and bitch about it I suppose.

The girls are all very excited to the point of madness about next week, but yet for some reason Didda is more concerned about what we are doing for the 4th of July. She's let me know that we will be having a party and she will hold her baby brother for me when I decorate for it, and she is worried that Aunt Tawny might miss the fireworks. I even had to call Tawny and then reassure Didda that they will be here. She's started to ease off that subject, and is going back into " I want everything from Santa" mode.

In other news ...remember the neighbor lady that was the "constant lawn mower " ? Like 7 a.m. mowing and psychotic about the leaves and blah blah ? Anyway, I got a text from the ex-wife of the guy whose girlfriend that is that she died suddenly last week.

Oddly enough hubs and I and Darby (across the street) had only minutes before been saying that it was odd that they hadn't picked the leaves off their lawn....very odd for her. She died of a cancer that she had suffered from before and although she knew it was highly likely that it would come back, she neglected to go back for follow up appointments.

She went to the hospital on Tuesday complaining of severe stomach pain, got a CT scan that showed it had spread through her entire body, and her obituary was in the paper Thursday.

Not only that....the next night I walked into the bathroom where our blinds were up, I didn't turn the light on because I was just grabbing a tissue. I happened to see out of the corner of my eye that their dining room light was on. (It's easy to see because the back of our house faces the side of theirs the windows are pretty much adjacent.) I look over and see a woman standing in front of the window and as I try to not piss myself because I just saw a ghost....the guy walks in the dining room and wraps his arms around the ghost from behind and starts to kiss her neck. This was no ghost...this was a new woman already ! I still about pissed myself ! Two seconds later a little girl about Diddas age ran through the was only then I was sure it wasn't a ghost because the other one had two older boys. So yeah I spied for a second I admit and not even shamefully.

Shame on him really. I mean damn, the body wasn't even cold yet ! I know it's obvious that he and this new one had a thing before all of this, it just seems so disrespectful to me though. So the new one has been over every night this week, she even came by while he was at work to let the dog out and check the mail.

I bet that he thinks that everyone in the neighborhood thinks that he and old one broke up since she just up and disappeared though, forgetting that I have a line to gossip to and from just about anywhere in the world.

Oh I never said it was good to gossip but, damn if the gossip is good just tell me and I'll spread the word for you ;)

Monday, December 10, 2007

December 09
FYI #1
For awhile now people have been asking me questions about pregnancy, and parenting. While they've asked about being a rockstar too, I've decided to keep that part to myself. But after fielding so many questions I decided to keep some of them in my head and then I asked some close friends of mine what they really want to know. The following is going to be part 1 of what I hope is many "parts". Now please remember that my advice and knowledge although superior to most *snort* is not a substitute for medical advice and if you have an emergency don't email me, call 9-1-1.

These very first questions come from my good buddy Lulu.

Why don't more women feed from the boob, seein' how it's cheaper and all ??

I can only give my personal opinion on this one. I have heard that it can be such a fabulous bonding experience and all that jazz. The thing is, the only thing I have ever experienced from someone doing anything with my boobs is

A: Conception


B: Nothing that makes me think of feeding anyone or thing from my boob.

It's just not my thing and I cannot bring myself to do it. Plain and simple. For those who do it good for you, and for those who don't for whatever reason, it's ok. I can assure you that your baby will not be stupid because it didn't get to suck you dry. I have 3 kids with test scores to prove that. That could be because I taught them how to cheat early on, but I'm going to just go with how smart they are.

WTF is "tummy time"?

Tummy time. It's a great thing for babies to have from day 1. Personally I no longer let my kids sleep that way until much later after they can turn over both ways. But it is essential. Not only does it help them gain strength in their necks. It helps with brain development. Seriously I read that in a book.

When is the soonest a baby can have stuff like juice? Well we wait until around 5 months, but if they have a poo-poo issue, you can try to force down some prune juice. Try is the key word there. Prune juice is disgusting and even if they do drink formula all day babies know when something flat out tastes like shit

Cloth Diapers?

Uhm no.

I have enough laundry to do, and scraping poop out of a diaper and pre-treating it and putting dozens of things that were only minutes ago full of shit in my washer makes me gag. Poop spreads diseases. E.coli first of all and the less time I spend with my hands near it the better.

WTF is a mucus plug?

Ok so let's use our imaginations for a moment here. A uterus (where the baby is holed up for 40 weeks) is like a balloon. Bigger and rounder at the top and smaller and thicker at the bottom. Tying off the "balloon" is the cervix. The cervix stays closed as tight as possible until the end of pregnancy. But there is still a thin opening from the bottom to the top. Sort of like sinuses when we have allergies, to keep out all pollutants, ie: bacteria, sperm, rodents, the cervix builds up mucous. At the end of pregnancy when the cervix start to dilate (open) the mucous starts to make it's way out. It used to be thought that "losing your plug" meant that you'd be in the delivery room within hours, once again I have 5 kids to prove that is not always true. One book I read said it meant "labor is imminent". shit ?

Do you really poop yourself during labor ?

Honestly, sometimes yes. When there is a baby coming our of the same area used by your intestines it is sometimes unavoidable. The intestines have to move, and before that they have to be empty.It used to be protocol to do enemas before labor I hear. But it's not usually necessary and really when you have your va-jay-jay stretched to the point of no return shitting yourself is so not on your "things I care about right now" list.

Is the pain really THAT BAD ?

Short answer yes. When people say you forget how bad it was you do in a way. I mean you remember thinking that this is torture and you can't believe you think anything in the world is worth this. Then if you have another the pain returns and you seriously consider admitting yourself to the psyche ward because this infliction of pain on yourself is just not healthy, and you probably need help and/or alcohol.

Pain med's or no ?

Hey, if you wanna be all Billy Badass and think you don't "need" them be my guest. I choose not to because

A: I have hurt in places that don't even have names for months now and I need a fucking break.

B: The baby is going to come out plain and simple. Whether you have pain relief or not, it will still come out.

C: I want to be able to see my baby after he/she is born and not be still screaming from pain.

I do have to tell you though that after 4 epidurals I have had only two that worked. The epi looks scary and if it doesn't work it sucks ass, but if/when it does it is so worth it. I have offered to marry the anesthesiologist after I got a good epidural.

Well, that's going to be it for today. I'm freezing my balls off down here in the family room and my nose is starting to run. I'm gonna go turn the heat up !

Friday, December 07, 2007

December 07

Bana : Jam, what is a virgin ?

Jam: Someone from Virginia I think...?

I just left that whole mess alone, which I know was probably a mistake as Banas will probably put that answer on a test sometime in the future.

I am done with my Christmas shopping finally, that was a mess all in itself. I'm glad it's over and I've only got about 4 things left to wrap, go me ! Everything would be wrapped already but after re-wrapping 5 things I got tired of doing it. MiMi thinks I wrap presents and put them under the tree to tempt her and nothing else. She's almost a year and has already picked up on how to be sneaky and not touch a damn thing until you leave the room. You walk back in and there she is hand full of paper and instead of acting like she's been naughty she puts the paper in front of her face and drops it to say "boo !" and smile. She's lucky she's cute is all I have to say.

Today is Poppy's 8th birthday and she chose to have me bake a cake instead of a store bought one, and her dinner choice is tacos. It all sounds good to me though ! Tacos and cake are both things that will have me up at around midnight throwing up, but there isn't a lot left that doesn't and at least it'll taste good the first time !

*Sigh* Ok so I'm off to the store for lettuce and tomato's, how in the hell can I shop for tacos and forget that shit !?!? Oh, I did remember to get toilet paper though, we have about 90 rolls now. I dunno.