Wednesday, October 27, 2010

It's been much more of the same. Friday he followed me to work. On the interstate honking the horn and yelling. I thought he was gone by the time I was at the gas station but as I started to get my coffee I felt him before I looked up to see him standing next to me. He started screaming at me getting the attention of everyone in the gas station. He flat out said I could keep calling the police, it'd make no difference to him because sooner or later he will get me. When a bystander asked him what the fuck he was doing "crazy" replied it was none of his fucking business. Needless to say crazy ran out of there after that because it was more than obvious that "bystander" was going to kill him. He took off and 20 NON speedy minutes later the cops came. Thirty minutes after I called 911 on the interstate and called the twice to update my whereabouts. I'm considering telling 911 I need fire and rescue next time instead of police because I KNOW they don't take their sweet ass time.

Luckily for me Mr. Bystander stayed and gave the police the story as well. He did get a bit off track and start yelling at the police about how I'm gonna be on the show 48 hours dead because this guy has stalked me for months and nobody did shit about it. Sadly...the police didn't disagree much. So that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Friday night and Saturday he called repeatedly from a blocked number, and I've had a few run ins with him since, he screams at me at stoplights...swerves at me in traffic, waits in plain sight outside the store or drives by a dozen times as I wait to pick my kids up from school.

A couple of people have mentioned it's entirely possible that my phone is bugged, and after doing some research and finding out that someone can do this simply by paying a few bucks and entering your phone number on 1 of a hundred websites that offer this..... it's starting to make sense. My next big purchase is a new phone and phone number switch. Again.

Trying to explain to someone who doesn't know the story or hasn't been through something like this is beyond difficult. I get so many "well why can't you......" fill in the blanks with everything you're thinking. I DO everything I can. I document. I call the police. I file reports. I call and talk to the ADA numerous times a week. I've left messages for her begging to put the warrants through and NOT take his plea deal. It makes me sick that I'm the victim here and the burden of proof is on me yet he has to do NOTHING to disprove his actions.

I can't express how insanely tired I am. This isn't a hard days work or I didn't sleep well last night kind of tired. This is the tired I didn't know existed until now.

Everyday it's something with him. Everyday instead of being completely focused on my kids, my job, my own life, his bullshit distracts me. I can't focus. I can't sleep because I lay awake at night sad and pissed about not focusing on what I should. I lay awake at night in fear sometimes too. Not only fear of him and what he's truly capable of but also fear that if he doesn't stop this my ex husband was 100 % right in saying the kids should just stay with him until this is all resolved. I fear that most of all. I'm crying as I say that because my babies...the only real true loves of my life. My stupidity in getting involved with this psycho could cost me them.

I do a lot of things in fear. I can't wait for the day I don't. I can't wait to not have tears waiting to brim my eyes if someone looks at me wrong. I can't wait for the day I don't jump out of my skin every time I hear a noise louder than a pin drop.

At one point I thought I was getting there....I had someone beside me and I felt like I wasn't alone, there for me and my kids but like I said before that went to hell in a handbasket so here I sit. I'm in NO way saying my friends and family aren't caring, supportive and insanely worried...but I am saying it's not the same.

I know that not much of this makes sense. These feelings are all just coming out whenever, and however. To the people I love that are reading this: please PLEASE know I love you and I know I've been a wreck lately. Being mean when it's unnecessary, crying when there's no reason to..all that. I'm sorry and thank you for still loving me.


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