Monday, December 10, 2007

December 09
FYI #1
For awhile now people have been asking me questions about pregnancy, and parenting. While they've asked about being a rockstar too, I've decided to keep that part to myself. But after fielding so many questions I decided to keep some of them in my head and then I asked some close friends of mine what they really want to know. The following is going to be part 1 of what I hope is many "parts". Now please remember that my advice and knowledge although superior to most *snort* is not a substitute for medical advice and if you have an emergency don't email me, call 9-1-1.

These very first questions come from my good buddy Lulu.

Why don't more women feed from the boob, seein' how it's cheaper and all ??

I can only give my personal opinion on this one. I have heard that it can be such a fabulous bonding experience and all that jazz. The thing is, the only thing I have ever experienced from someone doing anything with my boobs is

A: Conception


B: Nothing that makes me think of feeding anyone or thing from my boob.

It's just not my thing and I cannot bring myself to do it. Plain and simple. For those who do it good for you, and for those who don't for whatever reason, it's ok. I can assure you that your baby will not be stupid because it didn't get to suck you dry. I have 3 kids with test scores to prove that. That could be because I taught them how to cheat early on, but I'm going to just go with how smart they are.

WTF is "tummy time"?

Tummy time. It's a great thing for babies to have from day 1. Personally I no longer let my kids sleep that way until much later after they can turn over both ways. But it is essential. Not only does it help them gain strength in their necks. It helps with brain development. Seriously I read that in a book.

When is the soonest a baby can have stuff like juice? Well we wait until around 5 months, but if they have a poo-poo issue, you can try to force down some prune juice. Try is the key word there. Prune juice is disgusting and even if they do drink formula all day babies know when something flat out tastes like shit

Cloth Diapers?

Uhm no.

I have enough laundry to do, and scraping poop out of a diaper and pre-treating it and putting dozens of things that were only minutes ago full of shit in my washer makes me gag. Poop spreads diseases. E.coli first of all and the less time I spend with my hands near it the better.

WTF is a mucus plug?

Ok so let's use our imaginations for a moment here. A uterus (where the baby is holed up for 40 weeks) is like a balloon. Bigger and rounder at the top and smaller and thicker at the bottom. Tying off the "balloon" is the cervix. The cervix stays closed as tight as possible until the end of pregnancy. But there is still a thin opening from the bottom to the top. Sort of like sinuses when we have allergies, to keep out all pollutants, ie: bacteria, sperm, rodents, the cervix builds up mucous. At the end of pregnancy when the cervix start to dilate (open) the mucous starts to make it's way out. It used to be thought that "losing your plug" meant that you'd be in the delivery room within hours, once again I have 5 kids to prove that is not always true. One book I read said it meant "labor is imminent". shit ?

Do you really poop yourself during labor ?

Honestly, sometimes yes. When there is a baby coming our of the same area used by your intestines it is sometimes unavoidable. The intestines have to move, and before that they have to be empty.It used to be protocol to do enemas before labor I hear. But it's not usually necessary and really when you have your va-jay-jay stretched to the point of no return shitting yourself is so not on your "things I care about right now" list.

Is the pain really THAT BAD ?

Short answer yes. When people say you forget how bad it was you do in a way. I mean you remember thinking that this is torture and you can't believe you think anything in the world is worth this. Then if you have another the pain returns and you seriously consider admitting yourself to the psyche ward because this infliction of pain on yourself is just not healthy, and you probably need help and/or alcohol.

Pain med's or no ?

Hey, if you wanna be all Billy Badass and think you don't "need" them be my guest. I choose not to because

A: I have hurt in places that don't even have names for months now and I need a fucking break.

B: The baby is going to come out plain and simple. Whether you have pain relief or not, it will still come out.

C: I want to be able to see my baby after he/she is born and not be still screaming from pain.

I do have to tell you though that after 4 epidurals I have had only two that worked. The epi looks scary and if it doesn't work it sucks ass, but if/when it does it is so worth it. I have offered to marry the anesthesiologist after I got a good epidural.

Well, that's going to be it for today. I'm freezing my balls off down here in the family room and my nose is starting to run. I'm gonna go turn the heat up !

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