Tell me again why I wanted a dog

I'm gonna need a list of advantages to housing and feeding this fucker...and soon.

The dis-advantages...I got a shitload of 'em.

My Dear JayDawg---here are your "flaws" please correct them in a timely manner.

#1 . I would think that having a watchdog would mean just that. So why do I have to WAKE you up when I hear a noise ?

#2. If you grab a ziploc out of the fridge that has 5 hot dogs ...run and hide said ziploc for later eating...you may not beg me for food for the here and now.

#3. No matter how hard you try and convince me, the fucking sound of you slurping on your balls is not appealing, and you will never be allowed to do that on my bed.

#4. The same mailman comes everyday...everyfuckingday man....seriously let it go.

#5. Gum is not for dogs, so quit digging through my damn purse for gum .

#6. Speaking of purses...if I catch your fairy ass dragging my purse around again...I'm posting the pictures online.

#7. COFFEE is not for dogs. If you fucking slurp your fat face in my coffee cup one more time...I will hold your face in the cup. That blue bowl on the floor is yours...not the coffee cup, not the toilet, and NOT the hose that you chewed through...dumbass it only works while the water is on.

#8. I know many people and creatures are in denial about their weight...but dude you weigh 75 goddamn pounds, and walking in circles on me during your bedtime ritual has got to stop.

#9. Also, my lap may seem quite large to you, but you have got to trust me when I say that you cannot fit your whole body there.

#10-#1001....These are subject to be added to and changed at any time.

Just remember that I love you...I really do ....and I'm doing this for your own good.