Monday, July 24, 2006


3 days of back pain finally got to me yesterday.

Pain to the point that it hurts to move at all. It was pissing me off. Everyfuckingthing was pissing me off.

Everyfuckingone was pissing me off.

By 3 o'clock my nerves were swollen and raw. And, I couldn't take it anymore.

I was ready to peel the paint off the walls with my fingernails.
I wanted to rip the curtains off of every window in this house.
The urge to grab every breakable thing within a 100 yard radius and smash it to pieces with my bare hands, was almost too much to fight off.

But I did...I fought it off, told Hubs I'd be back later...and drove to the lake.

I parked facing the lake, and as I watched the sailboats and johnboats.
I cried, I cried so fucking hard that I shook.
I cried so hard that I couldn't breathe and I wanted to vomit.

I suppose that I'm a person that just has to cry sometimes. Things build up. I pretend they aren't there. I pretend "this" doesn't bother me, or "that" didn't make me want to rip someones face off.
I file it under..." doesn't matter"...pfftt....after awhile the "doesn't matter" pile , is all that there is.

Crying until I exhaust myself , somehow always seems to help me rid my brain and heart of that poison that "doesn't matter".

I don't really know how else to handle it.

Because telling someone that I'm on the verge of a psychotic break for the reasons that I am would make no sense to them.

Calling someone and saying " I fear that I'm going crazy "
They ask "why ?"

Oh because...The dog , he won't shut the fuck up, he shit in the floor while I was gone twice, and he has a contract out on my life, I know because he tries to trip me every time I go down the stairs.

The kids, they act like I'm some sort of authority figure and keep asking me questions that I can't answer, they fight and want me to tell them who's right and who's wrong.

The laundry, the piles of it keep growing, no matter what I do...there is always more.

The phone will not stop fucking ringing.

I am out of Dr. Pepper.

I am so sick of hearing that fucking song "Suzy has a cow on her head" on the Disney channel...I hope that fucking cow smashes that bitches head in, and soon.

Hubs is playing golf again, having a grand ole fucking time, and I'm not...I'm just here...just sitting...staring at the walls.

But yet, I don't really want to go anywhere. I want to sit here, and loathe in self pity and bathe myself in bitterness right now.

Why is it so hard for people and animals to understand that I just want them all to shut up, just be quiet, the noise, is too much.

Yes, I want to be pissed off to no end at the moment thank you very much.

I'm having a great time with this back spasm.

Walking like a duck with wooden shoes and a back brace on makes me feel so fucking sexy .


Dwayne said...

Okay you had me baffled for a minute. Thought I was going crazy. You've been spying on me right? I just read this post but it didn't look the same. I put the pieces together. Hope you feel better.

The dog that kept trying to trip us is now an outside dog until he dies soon I hope. I haven't heard Suzy with a cow on her head enough to be sick of it yet. They say misery loves company. Do you ever wish the goverment would get the stick out of their ass and let us have the best medicine in the world?

Jess said...

I just want you to know that if that cow doesn't smash her head soon, I will personally go and do it myself. I'll smash that fucking cow also. I get that way too, sometimes I'm just pissed and bitchy for no reason. I cry for no reason. I love to have 'alone time' and when I don't get it, I go crazy. Hope you get to feeling better soon, but if not, we can go on a killing spree together.