Wednesday, January 24, 2007

January 24
Picture of my day--Well a piece of a picture of my day.

6.00 a.m.
Get up.
Say G’mornin to Hubs.
Go pee.
Yell at Hubs for taking such stank ass shit in my bathroom.
Feed the baby.
Burp the baby.
Clean baby spit from shirt.
Look for burp cloth.
Give up looking.
Feed the baby more.
Burp the baby again.
Clean spit up from hair.
Wonder how in the hell it got in hair.
Then wonder why I didn’t just find burp cloth.
Remember that Didda took all burp cloths and put them in a place that makes everything invisible.
Tell Hubs to have a fanfuckintastic day at work.
Change the baby’s diaper.
Baby pees all over before new diaper is on.
Get new diaper.
Baby has a shitstorm the second you fasten new diaper.
Wait to make sure baby is done.
Change diaper.
Talk to baby.
Make fish faces at baby.

Get more coffee.
Wish they sold nicotine laced coffee.
Wish they made cigarettes that didn’t produce smoke, smell, or cancer.
Let Jay out.
Smell dog shit.
See dog shit.
Curse outloud.
Clean dogshit.
Get online.
Baby cries.
Hold baby and answer emails typing with one hand.

7.00 a.m.
Wake Jam, Bana and Soph
Listen to how unfair it is that they are up before the sun.
Tell them that “ no it is not colder in the house today than it was yesterday.”
Prove this by showing the temp on the thermostat.
Wonder why in the hell I’m proving myself to my kids.
Realize I don’t have time to ponder that fucking question right now.
Argue with Bana about appropriate winter clothes…which do not include gaucho pants or tank tops.
Tell Jam that since she wanted the jeans with the hole in them so damn bad that she has to wear them once in awhile.
Pull a "mom" by telling her " because I said so" is a good enough damn reason !

Tell Boph to get her little butt out of bed.
Let Jay in.
Baby cries.
Plink binky in babys mouth.
Make fish face at baby,
Baby smiles.
Keep making fish face until Baby cries.
Tell Baby she’s no fun.

Fix breakfast
Not understand how it’s possible to have 4 choices in cereal and none of them “ sound good” to anyone.
Wish they made Xanax laced cereal.
Tell Didda to stay off the counter.
Bribe Didda off the counter with cereal bar.
Tell Jay that he is not going back outside just to bark at “ speedwalker lady”

Threaten Boph’s well being if she does not get up in 10 seconds.
Tell her that looking at me like that will not make me curl up and die--this does not stop her.
Give in and let Jay out to bark at “speed walker lady” as she walks back by.
Get lecture from girls about how mean I am for letting baby cry.

Make girls turn of VH1 and get all papers signed that need it, and homework into backpacks.
Try to remember which way Didda went after she got off the counter.
Look for Didda.
Didda is hiding from Momma.
Can’t find Didda.
Fear that Didda is outside in the snow naked running down the block.
Momma hears Didda laugh .
Tell her she is funny girl, but don’t find her because I know she’s not out front in the snow with no clothes on.
Let Jay in while telling him how much it would please me to drop him off at the shelter.
Explain to Jay that he should thank the girls, they are his only salvation at this point.

Get all girls into truck.
Make Didda accept that her sister can fasten her seatbelt even if she wants Momma to.
Drive girls to school.
Baby cries.
Didda tells me 19 times that the baby is still crying.
Talk on phone to schedule check-ups for kids at the doctors office.
Wait at stoplight for 9 minutes.
While waiting on hold for 7 minutes.
Wave at all my friends while we take turns getting into the parking lot.
Flip off all the bitches that cut me off getting into the parking lot.
Explain to receptionist at doctors office that I was not talking to her when I said “ya fucking whorebag!”
Promise girls I won't call the principal that anymore.
Come home.
See that Jay got into the trash.
Chase Jay.
Wait for Jay to get out from under chair.
Pretend to leave the chair.
Call Jay dumbshit for being a dumbass dog that fell for that.
Chase Jay back outside.
Talk to sister on phone for the 1st of 27 times today.
Advise sister on bedroom set styles and fashion.

Go upstairs to pee.
Look at bed.
Wish I was in bed.
Remember that the sheets have to be washed today.
Take sheets to laundry room.
Remember that I didn’t pee when I was upstairs.
Go back upstairs.
Wonder why there is a steak knife on the dresser.
Worry that a cat burglar came into the house while I was taking the girls to school.
Start to freak out.
Think of all the scary movies I’ve watched that start with similar scenes.
Get brave and walk through all the rooms looking for cat burglar.
Bust open all doors while taking a karate/cheerleading stance to scare burglar.
Search for burglar comes up empty.
Still wonder about knife .
Finally go pee.

I was going to do a picture of the whole day, but it’s pretty boring.
So I won’t make you suffer through that.
You’re welcome.


Steven Novak said...

Ummm...this may be weird to ask, but...

Ummm...will you make fish faces at me? ;)


JR's Thumbprints said...

You must admit, the Diaper Genie is one of the all time greatest inventions.