November 16
This has gotten out of hand I say.


When you cannot wear your very favorite thing in the whole wide world (your KU hoodie), things have gone too far.

Now, when you're pregnant you expect this sort of thing. But, when you can't wear a F*&%^$! pullover hoodie because your boobs are too effin' huge, that's where I draw the line. Mind you, I drew this line 3 times already just to have the line disappear into gargantuan boob world.

I weighed myself today and was shocked, yeah I know my stomach has gotten to the point that I almost shut it in the truck door if I'm not careful, but yet I can still wear all my pants. Hell until last week I was wearing a pair of jeans I bought in June. The boobage is where the problemage is.

Back to the scale thing, after throwing up twice yesterday I gained 9 pounds. How that is possible I can't say. What I can say is that when I woke up my chin had friends hanging out with it. And, I do believe that my boobs have grown so much that there is nowhere to go but up ..............so now I have chin tits.

I've resigned myself to that fact that I won't be leaving the house until at least April, I don't know how I can face the world when it's cold outside and my chin starts to get hard nipples.

November 14
The Name Game


Well ! Since I have gotten such a response out of that little tidbit of how we are questioning names we might as well get this started and name the boy !

I have almost decided to give him a Chinese name, considering that no matter how much I eat or what time it is I am always hungry an hour later. *Snort*

The "S" thing. No, unlike the girls the boy will not have an "S" name. It wasn't really our plan from the beginning to name them all with that letter, but we happened to like the names and by the time #5 was on her way it seemed almost wrong not to, and oddly enough they fit into the "mold" that their names are.

We did consider an "S" name for him but the few that we liked were all associated with a boy that is a weirdo, or terribly mean, ya know...you just can't name him that knowing those kinds of things go with a name. You're just going to have trust me on that one, mkay ?

So far a few of the names we are considering :

Ashton

Asher

Brody

Caden

Jackson (which is our original name that we have had for 10 years, very popular now)



Didda's is sure that since it is a boy wee should name him Spongebob, or Diego, and somehow linked the name Coffee with a boy, but unfortunately I don't think we'll be going with any of those.



Oh and if you'd like you can go here to the Social Security Website to see just how popular some of your favorite names are !



So let's hear the names !

November 12
Monday
This weekend was quite uneventful. We shampooed carpets, I worked, we did yard work. Oh I did finally get the hose out and rinse off all the chalk paint monster footprints on the driveway from Halloween. And there you have it. I did get a new keyboard and mouse the other day due to MiMi grabbing a full soda and pouring it on the old ones. These are both wireless, and while they are cool and the keyboard can type even when you take it to the living room (Jam had to check on this)....I hate the keyboard. It's very much like a laptop keyboard, the keys are all flush and weird, and for some reason the "E" key either ignores me completely or tries to compensate the next time I hit it by putting up 3 god damn E's. Ugh. It makes transcription take much longer than it should.

I'm trying to make a list of what to get people for Christmas, not Didda though because after 15 minutes of Nickoloden commercials she has a wish list that amounts to about 5 grand, so her gifts should be easy. She sat up in bed the other night, eyes closed, pointed toward the wall and said "Mom ! I want that for Christmas !"

Let's see.....in other news we are trying to decide on a name for the male fetus. Since it is a boy and we used to have a named picked out that is now way overused we are lost. We like a few names, but still, can't decide.

Alrighty well, I am off ! Oh and I don't want to forget to say Happy Veteran's Day, to all of you !

We Love Our Troops, Past, Present and Future !! Thank You !

November 08
Thursday or..."Friday Eve" as AuntieM says


I finally slept really well for 2 hours ! Mind you it was from 5 until 7 a.m. but hey , I am taking what I can get right now. I am in a crazy mind state right now. I mean I literally cannot shut my brain off all fucking night.

" Remember to pay this on this day....Oh I wonder how much is left in the kids lunch account ? ......I think the darker carpet would be better, I hope they still have that remnant at the carpet place.......damn we need carpet pad too.....It's 1:27 I can sleep until 3 when MiMi wakes up.....Damn I forgot call call and pay the insurance, what day did it say is expired ?.......I hope hubs drives careful tomorrow just in case......Did he take the trash out or not ?.....What the hell was that sound, hmmm JayDawg didn't move so it must be nothing, oh wait there it is again....shit what if it's a robber .....wait...what if they are stealing my truck ...dammit my cd's are in there....and the carseats.......guess I'll go peek. Sigh...it's 2:49 MiMi will wake up in a few so I might as well turn the t.v. back on ......................."

My doctor says I can take something for it but damn I'm not going to do it all the time, this baby will be so sleep drugged up that he'll be asleep until he's 7 if I do.

It's skate party night for the school tonight, so around 7 please bow your head and say a little prayer for me. Or, you can just take a shot of whatever alcohol you're closest to, whatever.

Jam's teacher will be there tonight and I know I haven't filled you all in on that situation. The last time we went to Kansas, her teacher made the remark to her that "you kids at this school just leave for weeks at a time on a whim and it is not acceptable for your education." Then she didn't give us all of her work before we left like we requested and proceeded to make Jam stay in for two recess's and send home notes saying it was not in on time after we got back. Last week after we got back Jam said out loud that her head was killing her and the teacher said " well you cannot go home because you absolutely cannot miss more school."

Hehehe. Really ? She can't ? Wanna bet ? First of all I will be damned if anyone attempts to dictate how many days of school my kids miss. I mean really I apologize about the fact that people in our family get chronically ill or die during the school year and if I could stop it I would, but I can't, so fucking deal. And, if you get off on saying shit like that to a 5th grader then you need to grow some balls and say it to her Momma. Intimidation is your tactic ? On a child ? If you like it so much then you'll love what I have in store for ya !

We've already had one chat about this, and if you tell my kid again that even if she is sick she can't leave....you'll wish you would have shut your mouth because you won't be able to shut it right for a while. Oh and then just for shits and giggles I'm gonna smack you with this Algebra for 9th graders you have her doing too. K, thanks, bye.

Shazam !

I'm here I swear ! Jane ....see ? I'm here dammit !

Ok so, I have tons to say and nothing to say all at the same time. Nice...yeah I know. time to say a few and then I gotta come back tomorrow to chat and visit y'all.

The pics. The mummy, I made him...no Bob it's not hubs, he's not holding a golf club , a remote or a beer so that's how I tell the difference.

Uhm there is other shit I made too but I can't remember it all right now. My focus now is Christmas. Besides our own decorations Hubs just asked me a "favor" for his store deco's. I am such a sucker.

In other news....my mom's former boyfriend who is a habitual law breaker, constant drunk, convicted felon...blah blah blah. Anyway karma found his ass and but good I tell you ! that son of a bitch was so drunk that when he leaned on the porch railing that gave way he fell. Not just a fall mind you. He fell on his face and broke his back in two separate places. And, busted his face and teeth up. Ok. How drunk do you have to be to fall face first off of a porch and make NO attempt to brace yourself or even protect your face ?!?! I mean really !?!?!? If you happen to know the answer to that , it was a rhetorical question and I don't really want to know the answer. I know it sounds mean that I'm telling all about this. I have never wished physical harm on a person.....ever. Although, I've thought about it but didn't for fear something might happen. Anyway I am just saying that when a person such as this scum gets something near what he deserves I'll be damned if I don't smile a tiny bit.

Now, what else ....hhmmmm. Oh. I got my feelings hurt today . Oh hush, I know that sounds stupid but I did, and for whatever reason I didn't do my normal thing of coming back spewing poison to the person who did it, even though I could have VERY easily. I didn't. Not because I am above that sort of thing, but because I would have started crying while I was yelling. I am SUCH a girl. Blerf.


Oh and yes Proto....I know I'm a total slacker on updating here ! :p

September 19
Mmmm s'ghetti


We sat outside in the fall night air. Our neighbor came over and we all chatted for a bit. I mentioned that we'd heard his dog barking a few nights ago. No...I'm not the kind of person who bitches abut dogs barking. I mentioned it because out of the 3 years we've lived here we have heard this dog (Lexus a German Shepherd) bark maybe 3 times. (I didn't even believe they had a dog until we saw her through the open gate two years ago.)

Saying that sparked his memory and he told us why she was barking.

He went out early Saturday morning because his wife had said that Lexus was howling all night, and she was worried about her. He called to her and she never came around. He finally found her on the side of the house, struggling to walk. He said it was like her back end was paralyzed.

She whined when she saw him and laid back down. After he got over to her and got one of the outside light on he tried to examine her. She still couldn't stand so he put his hands on her haunches to try and help her. It was then he saw the problem. He grabbed her long fur and lifted it up and away from her skin. First he saw blood, then he saw maggots. Thousands of maggots. They took her to the vet and 1400.00, a complete shave down, approximately 1200 maggots, and 9 stitches later....she is home. Bald but, less any fly larva.

She'd gotten a cut from the kennel a few days earlier, and they didn't see the need to treat it I guess. The flies were quite happy about this lapse in judgement by the dog's owners and even happier that their new eggs would not only have a place to sleep but a place to eat as well. I guess what they say is true huh ? German shepherd meat is good eats ?

Ha. Yeah I know that's sick....but some days life is so.....just so that there is nothing to do but to tell the story of your neighbors dog and the maggots.

September 17
Let's dance the jig(saw)


I damn sure did ! I've been wanting one for some time now, and my good friend Mel happened upon two in a box of shit she bought at an auction last weekend. Meaning I inherited a saw !

So we all know what that means. Jess is gonna saw on some shit ! I am totally clueless as to what I'll be making with this contraption of mine, although I do think I'll start with something Halloween. I should say I'm going to try and start with something Halloween. But, considering the only power tool I've ever used is a rechargeable screwdriver, then it may turn out that I'm making nothing but a lopsided pumpkin, and a fingerless hand, the hand being mine.

Our AFLAC pays you like 5 grand if you cut your pinky finger off, and I'm quite sure I can function for the rest of my life without a pinky finger. (Just one of those things you look up to see how much it pays out of curiosity) So...here's to making Halloween decorations and coming out with just one less finger.

Now that I've said that I probably jinxed myself and my typing will be all fucked up because I jigsawed my pinky finger off. Wait, I don't think I'll be able to talk right either considering I talk with my hands so much. Not sign language, but more like " it was this big...and...that sonofabitch went clear over there!"

Shit. I'll be a bad typist and a mute.



Ok now I have to re-think this whole jigsaw plan and go to bed. My stomach is crazy too. We had breakfast burritos for dinner and my gut keeps making a toilet flushing sound.

Yesterday was great ! We left a bit early so we could sit in on two other panels before mine. Hubs was sure it'd be boring and over his head and not his thing. But, he too had a good time !

The panel before mine was "How to Cultivate a Cult Following", and that is where I saw Aaron Raz who is the co-author of "What Becomes You", a book that I cannot wait to read. The other author of the book is Aaron's mom, which after you read the summary of the book might be surprising to many people. Anyway, I watched him speak, and I kind of love him, and although he has no idea he is my new BFF, like the kind that is your BFF but just doesn't know it, and might think it's sort of stalker-ish. But hey, stalker is nice compared to what else I've been called this week.

Also on that same panel was Amy Guth, author of "Three Fallen Women". Amy is a total smartass, and funny as hell. I love her too.

Oh and lest I not forget , Jami Attenberg, who besides writing a fanfuckingtastic book called "Instant Love" last year has a new book coming out "The Kept Man" , she read from that yesterday during our panel together and it's another I can't wait to read.

The moderator of my panel, "The Devil in Miss Jones" was Lauren Cerand who had never been to the Midwest, and thought everyone here was over the top nice. Which I found odd and I think maybe she just ran into people that weren't really from here, or they were high. Or, maybe both.

Oh ! I also met Daniel Curtis, the he started the Nebraska Arts Preserve, which hasn't been updated in ohhhh I dunno a LONG time, but regardless he is the first one who talked about me (nicely) and started the ball rolling for me to get where I am today. Yep right here still blogging. Thanks Daniel !

At the end of our panel, Lauren asked about one of the most risque, or secretive things I've written, something that got attention that was , well odd.

The story I told was about the entry below......



Friday, July 28, 2006

Is it a guy thing ?
Ok when hubs doesn't get his "rocks" off within a certain period time...say 4 days. He starts doing this thing at night. Half the time he's quite aware of it, and the other half, I think his wanker just does it's own thing.
Well...beings that yesterday was "4th Day"...that means two things...one...he's a fucking horndog, and two I will fear getting raped in my sleep all night.
So to head off this issue I tried something new. And, surrounded myself with pillows.
So when I start to wake for my 3:14 a.m. pee break...I hear him..he and someone/thing are gettin' it on like donkey kong.
He had the wrap around going and everything..on my poor innocent perky cotton pillow.
"Honey..uhm...wake up"....
"Ahem...*cough* honey ?"
"Dammit man ! Wake up ! You're dry humping a pillow !"
Yet after waking up ...he denies that he was trying to cross breed with a cotton/poly fill...some thing's are just too hard to deny..but hey I won't tell anyone.
I can't imagine trying to do that ...but then again, I'm pretty good at telling the difference between a wanker..and a pillow...
Now that I think about it, the reality that he couldn't tell the difference between a pillow and my ass...says a lot about the state of my ass right now.



Now, I don't normally make it a habit to talk about comments or emails I get about entries. They are a little secret, the emails especially. But for whatever reason this entry made someone mad. (Not hubs who didn't know I wrote this until yesterday ...just so happens he was in thr front row as I retold the story).

Okay the person it upset, I have no idea who it was, they sent me numerous emails about it. Some saying how wrong I was for telling the world about that, and then some saying that it's my own fault for not giving my husband enough sex.

*One would think that the person sending these was hubs but it wasn't I'd get them when he was upstairs or in meetings.*

I never understood why it made whoever so damn mad, or how in the hell it was their business that I told anyone and that I didn't want to have sex. But dam, saying it's my own fault for not giving it up enough, yeah hi 5 kids you asshole get a clue.

So, I thought about that a lot on the way home, and I doubt that it is anywhere close to the most risque thing I've written, but since hubs was there it only seemed fitting that I have a story about him having sex with inanimate objects.

September 13
Mum is the word


Because I planted some is why. My "lamp" guy at Lowe's handed me, and Mel, some prices on mums that a girl can't refuse. So mums, I got.

Mums are my favorite. Mums are pretty. Mums bloom in all their glory when all the other flowers are getting tired and ready to leave the party.

Now see when I said "mum is the word" I meant ...the word to say as many times as I could, just because I can.

Mum.

Diddas did help me. She wanted to pick all the blooms right off and keep them in her purse (sidenote: if you lose anything at my house check Didda's purse) but I talked her into taking only one bloom and helping me plant to rest so they'd grow big and pretty. As soon as we'd get one planted she'd clap her hands, stomp her foot, and demand to the plants that they grow. As in, like right then.

We had a luncheon today for the 5th grade moms. it was a "who's who of the school." Ha not really, it turned out to be more of a who's who's mom get together. It is one of those things you think you'll never get caught up in. Well maybe you knew you'd get caught up in it. Me ? No way man. It's amazing to me how I can sit here and say that I'm not one of them, and then be one in the same breath.

I don't try to be or want to be. But, I think that makes me a "desirable" candidate to "them". Like I said I didn't want to get all caught up in it, but ten minutes into there I am talking about if my daughter marries her son then our grandkids would be beautiful, and they would not get married until after college but before medical school. They'd have to live close of course, and we both know we'd be the "best" Grandma.

Son of a bitch.

I lunch with the ladies and this is what happens. I walk in like I don't give a shit. I walk out having arranged a marriage for my 10-year-old, and a lunch date at the country club on Thursday.

September 10
Let's Play Dress Up !


Ok after getting emails, and ideas on comments from people on what I should wear to the LitFest....I thought it might be a fun little game to play !



So, your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to find me the perfect outfit !!

#1. An outfit that I would wear, as in you think it suits me personality wise, etc.

and

#2. An off the wall, funny, or just flat out terrible ensemble !

Now, #1 and #2 cannot be the same so don't go thinking you are smart and say I'd really wear one of the #2 choices.

Email me the pics at : samvanso2129@msn.com, then I'll post them with your name in the photo album.

Ok ! You have until midnight Tuesday, go !

September 09
Nice


I got an email from Timothy Schaffert saying that "the panelists were more than welcome to bring postcards, buttons, magnets, and any other promotional materials for your books and/or related projects."

Nice. I of course just canceled the blimp appearance with the saying "Who's Your Momma ?!" for fear that it would be too much, now he says I can bring shit !?!?

I think he threw in "related projects" because I am the only one there without a book or nine. I mean hey I'd write a book, but damn have you seen books ? They're like huge ! And all those pages. I dunno about that.

And, I have tons of buttons laying around but I mean who wants all my extra shirt buttons ? I don't get it.

Of course I have no idea once again what the hell I'm going to wear. You know how you want to appear "well dressed, smart, pretty, and approachable" when you do a thing like this. No outfit I have says all those things at once. And, yes I already tried all my outfits on together to see if it worked and it just looked like I had 13 outfits on.

Ok well hubs is home so that means I have to do the whole "wife" thing and "make him some dinner", but he also just volunteered to hold up giant signs with my blog address during my panel, oh wait, he just volunteered to streak naked and do the Arsenio Hall woot too. I just informed him that if he does I'll be introducing him as my ex-husband.

September 04
Continued from "The Hoaster Coaster"




Hubs stayed with the older 3 while they did bumper cars and I took Didda over to drive cars that were her size. Walking...I mean waddling and blubbering...in front of me , two ladies , one pushing a stroller inside the stroller was a 4 year old child fat as her mom, drinking a (I kid you not) a baby bottle full of pepsi and eating a damned funnel cake.

Let me say that when I call a child fat, I mean fat, not chubba wubba baby fat, I mean the kid is in adult diapers at 1 year and has legs so fat that their little baby legs rub together and threaten to start a fire.

I start to sort of snicker for no reason really, well besides the obvious, when the one pushing the stroller looks off to the side.

I realize then that I recognize her. And, this my friends is no good recognization.

As my blood starts to boil, I think I'm handling myself quite well. Then Didda asks me why I'm trying to squeeze her fingers off and tells me it's not nice. Woopsy.

We take a small detour to avoid being behind them any longer and make our way to the little cars. Where, lo and behold, there she is again. Son. of. a. bitch. *Gritting teeth*

Breathe iiiinn. Breathe oooout.

(Only one word pops into my head right then. The "C" word. I don't even use that word, or like that word to be used. Which I believe is why it came up. It's something very very bad in my head and most people's, and she is #2 on the list of my "C" word people. Number one on that list is #1 for a damn good reason, and #2 is there because she helped #1).

This sucks.

I stand there wondering to myself if she knows that the only thing saving her from getting her ratty pimpled cellulite face ripped clean off is the fact that my 3 year old daughter is standing right here. For a split second, I pondered if it would really damage my little girl that much to see such a thing.

I wonder if she even sees me.

I wonder too if the cops would make it there before I was finished.

I suppose you are wondering who this woman is, and why I have such a serious, serious, problem with her. Uhm well, I can't tell ya.

Ha. I'm kidding. Of course I will tell you ! Just not today.




September 07
Paul Harvey says : And now...for the rest of the story


A long time ago in a land far way.......... (4 years ago and about 5 blocks over). I was pregnant. (Shocking I know), with Didda.

Hubs and I played volleyball weekly with a few people from his now former store, and had a great time. Well, beings that I was pregnant and unable to play anymore they had to find someone to take my spot. Little did I know at the time that the person that was chosen had intentions of taking my spot on the volleyball team, and more.

The woman was someone who I had never particularly liked per say, but I didn't hate her.

As soon as the volleyball started rumors began to fly around the store. She had told a few of the people I talked with daily some things that were, well, suspicious. She loved his eyes. She loved the way he could make people laugh. She loved that he was there alone every week.

This all on top of her saying in the same sentence that her and her husband were on the verge of a divorce.

I stayed mute on the subject to hubs for awhile, thinking that it was no big deal and really there is no denying how pretty his eyes really are. But, after weeks of this. I just couldn't take it any longer.

I calmly confronted my husband one night after he started talking about her and how she's having such a hard time, how she tells him everything, and asks him about everything in his life. He was dumbfounded that I could think such a horrible thing about her, that she was after my man. He said I was being silly, and dumb for listening to rumors.

Rumors that also included "C" word #2 from previously constantly saying "how cute they are together", and telling her to "go for it."

So then one night before volleyball. I decided that I'd tag along. Hubs on the other hand thought this was a bad idea, fearing that I would " make a scene." Ha. Making a scene was definitely part of the plan I tell ya. I didn't end up going, although he took the older two girls with him. I sat and waited patiently. And, I waited....not so patiently. An hour after it was time for them to be home, I was hot.

I just knew that they were all there together probably eating burgers and laughing. My two girl too, probably warming up to their soon to be step mommy.

I tried to call his phone and there was no answer.

They walked through the door soon after and I sent the girls to their rooms.

No words came out of my mouth at that point in time. Honestly I couldn't think straight.

Now I feel that I should tell you that when I am pregnant my body somehow taps into some strange super human strength capsule that I have hidden deep inside my uterus.

As hubs stood by the door still not even knowing what was going on. I picked up the lazy boy recliner, heaved it over my head and straight towards him, barely missing. Only barely because he stood there frozen not believing that a giant chair was sailing through the air at him, so it took him a second to respond.

After saying all the things I felt I needed to say. He acted like he hated me. He said he couldn't believe I couldn't trust him, and that he was only being a friend to her, and she would never do such a thing, and that she thought I was such a good person.

Weeks went by and only short snippets of conversation happened between him and I.

Then, one day, out of the clear blue. He came home from work, sat down across from me and said that it was now obvious that she wanted more than someone to talk to. She cried when he told her he could no longer be the friend she confided in, she said how much she hated me and how jealous she was of my life.

I never suspected that anything happened besides the talking really, I feared that it could. And, him not believing me and trusting what I was trying to tell him hurt more than anything. He did realize shit, finally, but just about when it was too late.

Soon after that store closed and there was a party at a local pub. I acted so excited to go and like my only reason for it was to say goodbye to the people who were being relocated. All the while, a relocation of someone else was on my mind.

Krissy's husband worked at that store too, he was one of the people who'd filled me in on other things.

Krissy and I , are a very good team when it comes to certain things. And, cornering a bitch in the bathroom is one of those things.

That my friends, is where the story that you hear ends. The rest of it, is all in here. <---Pointing at my head.

The Hoaster Coaster


For well over a month now Didda has had an obsession with hoaster coasters aka: roller coasters, that and hopter copters...ok don't ask why she says those like that I have no idea she can talk all fine and good but sometimes she says things and we think they're funny and she keeps saying it like that.

Ok back to the story.

After many many days and nights of asking when she can go on a hoaster coaster, we told her yesterday that tomorrow she gets to go.

She was so ready ! She even put on her ballerina dress and asked if she could wear it to drive the coaster .

We had to park blocks away from the fair, and the child's feet never touched the ground between the truck and that ride. She floated the whole way.

Finally, it was her time.

Here she is ! Such a big girl and ready to ride !










It started to crawl and she got more and more excited, 5 feet, 10 feet, and away they went !

This is the first lap around !








Here she is on the last lap !










She gets off white as a sheet, wide eyed, and wobbly legged and I say " Didda was it fun !?!? Are you ready to go again !?!? "

"No Momma ! I want to go home and take a nap ! Take me home ! I don't like it here anymore , and I want to leave now !" *stomps her foot*

Well !

So if you want to piss her off just ask her if she's ready to go on the hoaster coaster again, seems to do the trick.



We did have a good time though, they big girls rode tons of rides and no one puked !

Heh. Well, for about 30 more minutes we had fun.

Then.....................................



*Yawn* I'm wiped ! I'll tell ya the rest tomorrow.

August 24
The First of (hopefully) at Least Few Good Announcements !




It was confirmed last Saturday that for the second year I am invited to speak at the Omaha LitFest ! I was there last year and didn't say a whole lot about it beforehand, I mentioned it but, that was about it, this year, I am cordially inviting you to come !

It is September 14th and 15th, I'll be "appearing on the 15th", I'll be there the 14th too, but I'll be in disguise as to not get recognized and mobbed by fans ya know.

The panel I'm on this year is : The Devil in Miss Jones: The Panel about Women Writing on the Edge.

You can see my name on the list along with many other people who really are writers right here : Omaha LitFest Writers.



Other than that my week had been busy yet boring. Don't ask me how. I'm tired and bitchy, which I know is such a shocking statement coming from me !

August 20
It's just Monday


I don't know if anywhere else is having the same problem we here in and around Omaha are having ? We have got an overabundance of spiders outside. They are everywhere. Wolf spiders mostly, then the rest are some fat butted crunchy looking things. They have webs all over the flowers and vines, and up against the houses. Everyone I've talked to around here is having this issue.

Anyway.

This morning as we were leaving for school the girls spotted a huge spider web stretching from the front porch railing across to the front windows. Meaning that getting to the truck would entail walking through the web of this nasty fat butted crunchy thing.

They all came back inside and I went out and grabbed a little bamboo stick that was laying on the porch. I was standing on my tiptoes wrapping the web around the stick and trying to knock the spider from the one string he had left. Oh I was also saying shit out loud, which is what I do when I fight with things. I was saying " waaaasah ! And, hiiii--ya !". It helps trust me.

Apparently, when you are across the street standing on your front porch looking over it appears that I look like I'm a practicing witch while I stretch on my toes and wave a "magic wand" at nothing but air and chanting. Which sent my neighbor into a fit of laughter that made him unable to explain what in the holy hell he was laughing at, because believe me there was not a damn thing funny about it, including the fact that he so easily thought I was a witch.

If I were a witch, I'd have a much better wand that had some sparkles on it.

August 16
Whew !


The girls started school Monday and the week has flown by ! Jam and Bana both require more work getting ready now than ever. You know hair has to be cute and acceptable, I don't fight them on it though, I mean no one wants to be the mom of one of the girls that has pony tail bumps leftover from two days ago or just washed it and didn't bother brushing it.

I also don't want to be the mom of one of the kids who eats glue, and if I find out one of the little shit's is eating glue I'll beat 'em, I tell ya.

Mimi is getting close to cutting her first tooth and the girl is almost Satan. And, if Satan was a momma's girl then she is Satan reborn. Every morning for the past week I've woke up in the morning and shoved my finger in her mouth to see if today is the day. Still nada. Dammit. Watch...I probably just cursed myself and she'll be teething for 27 months.

Hubs has only had one contact with "stalker" since the initial incident. They called him to talk about unemployment. From what we heard the person was transferred to another facility for a longer term sort of thing. Which is a very good thing considering they also asked during the last phone call if his full name was....well you know...and yes it is.

I've been better than I normally am with worrying about it. I keep an eye out and all but no panic attacks, until last night when one of our neighborhoods newest residents made a hell of a racket right below our bedroom window and about scared the piss out of me. Oh the new residents are raccoons by the way. Little bastards. Like the whole world doesn't know I hate critters ? So yeah it sent me right into a tizzy.

August 09
So..I'm easily irritated , shut the hell up about it.


Yesterday there was yet another article that referred to the book I talked about the other day. This one though was about the so-called "Mommy Wars".

Ya know, Moms who seem to compete with each other over stupid shit. They hate each other because of how they "Mommy" , and how the other person doesn't "Mommy" the same way.

The thing about this is, maybe some Moms hate each other because of that reason.

But me ? The other Moms I hate, are because they're bitches, or stupid, or both.......really.

I would have hated them in middle school, and I would have tried to fight them in high school.

And, I still hate them.

I'll be the first to admit that 80% of the moms I hate I don't even know. Pfftt. You don't have to "know" them to know them. Know what I mean ? Maybe they still bathe their 11 year old, hell I don't really know or care to know. That'd make me hate them more, but really I don't give a shit how they mother, I just don't like them and I damn sure don't want to be their friend.

Maybe these articles are written by people who are on the outside looking in, maybe they live in glass houses and watch the world through rose colored glasses and blinders on only seeing what they want to see. Maybe in other parts of the country this Mommy War is a real issue. If it's that bad someone should call a summit on Mommy Wars or something.

It'd be great.

The "I think I'm too good for you Moms" would have to sit next to the "Moms with tattoos", and the " Moms who party" and they'd be all like "Oh.My.Gawd.Like.What. Do.I.Do.Becky?" And, Becky would say "Hey Beth I know you think you're above tattoos and drinking a beer but I have to tell you that my back is covered in tattoos, I went out to 4 bars with my husband last night and my kids ate cheetos and Dr. Pepper for dinner, now what bitch !?"

Then Beth would be like "*Sob*Sob* Oh my gawd Becky ! I have to tell you the truth ! I was always scared and intimidated by tattoos and beer drinkers, but now I see the truth . I was wrong and stupid !"

Then the "Tattoo Moms, Beer Moms, Crunchy Moms, I Thought I was Too Good For You Moms, Moms Who Work Outside of The Home, Stay-at-Home Moms, RockStar Moms, Richer than God Moms, Poorer Than Dirt Moms", would alllll get along .



The End.

August 07
Snippets ==


Poor Didda. After telling her that she must be 5 years old to go to school she gets up every morning and asks me " Mommy, can I be 5 today ?" Sorry pumpkin, no can do.

She also likes to pretend and loves the fact that she can be whoever she wants to be. Usually she's "Margaret". But, she takes it a bit too far when she gets in trouble and decides that it was not her who did it, it was "Margaret" and since she was not "Didda" when she performed the act that caused trouble then there should be no punishment.

I really hope this is an imagination thing and not a schizophrenic thing.

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After getting attacked at work on Saturday by a very mentally unstable employee,(ex-employee now) my husband has been quite on edge. It didn't help matters any when he received a phone call from the person yesterday, straight from the looney bin. At the end of the call, the person declared their love for him and informed him that they will be calling for him again. 72 hours in the bin is just not long enough.

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This morning there was almost a horrible accident in front of us on a busy two lane street. Let me just say that if you are 109 years old and you can't think straight, not to mention ride a bike straight then do not ride on the fucking street ! What's scary is I bet he still has a driver's license too.

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Oligodendroglioma-- is a total pain in the ass to spell when the person saying it sounds like they have a mouthful of marbles.

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Tomorrow I get to suffer through a skating party for two-hours. I promised they could go before school starts and I'll be damned if it doesn't start next week.

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August 02
Is It Bad ?
That I've been wasted on tequila for 4 days now ? Ha. No no no. Not that it didn't sound appealing I didn't even have one margarita. Blerf.

Not a lot to report over the past few days really. I took the girls shopping with the money they got for good grades from their Grandma. They spent very wisely.

I've always said my girls are the best. The most beautiful, the most intelligent, out of this world personalities.

But.

When you realize that they have taken the my gift of clearance shopping and bought so much with a 20 spot that you'd think they were con artists ...it just makes ya wanna cry.

It's true. My children are supremely perfect.

Oh and then, tonight I went to Walgreen's to get baby formula. The lady behind the cosmetics counter mentioned that she was throwing samples of a new product line in my bag I said " honey dump the whole tray in there free samples are like gold at my house."

I walked out of there with a bag of samples bigger than the bag that held the baby formula. Uhm, I didn't even know they had samples like that at Walgreen's !

She said most people don't and usually they only give them out if people ask.

So listen carefully, go there and ask to see all the sample trays and load up ! Tons of facewash, bodywash, and face masks, moisturizers, and I got so much anti-aging and anti-wrinkle cream that I'm gonna look like a toddler when I die at the ripe old age of 149.

Ah well, it's nice outside so I think I'll go anchor my ass to a patio chair .

Phases


I'm referring to adult "life" phases, not kid's behaving badly phases.

Much of what I'm feeling right now started when I started going to Estate sales, and auctions. Walking through these houses. Houses that used to be homes, filled with kids and grandkids. Big dinners, parties, laughter, arguments, and now emptiness.

Memories, both happy and sad.

First steps, first dates, first promotions, first vacations.

Last breaths.

Here I am, among 50 other people, touching everything that used to be someone's. Nosing through a book collection, digging through blankets, adoring the stitching on a baby blanket so caringly made by someone close.

It makes you wonder, is that what will be left of you ?

Will all the things you so treasure throughout life, be arranged on long tables, decorated with price tags, and on sale for half price when no one else seems to think your prize possessions are worth it.

There have been so many times that as I'm walking through a home, and I want to yell and scream at people. They throw things this way and that, they move everything to dig in the bottom of a box, only to leave what they've moved and walk off.

It's painful to see that some people have no respect for memories, no matter who they belong to.

For some reason, this along with a couple of other things has pulled me into some sort of reminiscent fog.

Everyday I've woken up and had to resist the urge to grab my family and run away.

Far away. To where, I don't know for sure.

Someplace in the woods, the mountains maybe. Somewhere isolated. Somewhere that we are all just together.

I need time. time with them all.

Time to look at their faces, hear their voices, time to absorb it all so I'll never forget.

Time for them to do the same to me.

Time for memories to form and harden in our brains.

And, I need for time to stand still while I do it.